Monday, October 18, 2010

Venting...



I'm not even sure I'm actually going to publish this post yet, I really just feel like I need to write all of my thoughts down or I might go completely crazy or something. I just need to be totally honest and completely real for a second, so if that's not your thing please skip this post and wait for me to publish some funny and cute pictures of Henry.

Guys? I'm bored and tired and frustrated. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite this way and honestly it sucks. The whole "mom thing" is loosing its charm, temporarily I'm sure, I'm just burnt out.. but still. I'm bored of the same routine every day and all night (seriously, when is this kid going to start sleeping??) I used to wake up at least a little excited to sneak into his room for a 3 am feeding but now, I can barely pull myself out of bed and when I do it's not a lovey-dovey stars and hearts breastfeeding moment anymore. I'm tired of lugging him around on my hip until my back aches. I'm tired of pulling him away from the outlets and the bathroom all the time. I hate that he figured out how to arch his back when he doesn't want me to hold him. I'm seriously almost always stressed, even about the dumbest things that really shouldn't matter. I hate that I am just not motivated like I used to be, I feel like I'm burning out and that this makes me a horrible mom or something.

I'm tired of having no friends here. I feel stuck and I'm aching for change, any sort of change, and it's just not happening. I'm lucky that I have Garrison and that we make a pretty darn good team but it would be so nice to have some real girl friends again and be close to family. I miss my family so much that my stomach literally hurts every time I think about them and how far away we are from them and that we have to live here for so long and there's not a thing I can do to change that. I feel like I could do this, like really do this, if I had the support of a few good friends and lots of family too but I don't. That being said, you girls that I have met through this silly little blog of mine mean more to me than you even know. Every piece of advice, every comment or email or letter you've ever sent is the one of the only things that keeps me sane sometimes and I will always love all of you for that.

What do you do when you've lost the motivation that you used to have an abundance of? How do you pull yourself together to muster up the excitement and energy it takes to raise a suddenly active 9 month old who sometimes cries and screams for no reason? God, I really do love love love this kid don't get me wrong. I'm just frustrated with my situation and tired of being so bored and cranky. He deserves better than this, you know?

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38 comments:

Anonymous said...

So I've been reading your blog for awhile but never left a comment. My son is about turn 8 months and I feel you! Sometimes it is SO SO easy to get burnt out. I don't know if you have already thought or tried this but we recently started Swim Lessons at the Y...lets be honest its 30 minutes of splashing around but the kid LOVES it and you get to meet other Moms and do something outside of the house. So my advice is try some classes...almost every town has a story time at the Library and various classes at the YMCA - try it out!

Deanna said...

hi! i've been a follower of yours for awhile now, i just don't think i've ever commented.

my name is deanna and i've got a 3 1/2 year old son, gage, and i am 9 months pregnant with a second child.

i felt the need to respond to this entry to tell you that you are not alone, and that more often than not, other mothers are feeling this exact same way.

i think gage was around 8 months old when my husband found me one morning, bawling on the bathroom floor about how this whole parenthood thing wasn't what i thought it was going to be. no one tells you that being a mommy can be one of the loneliest jobs in the world at times. every parenting book or blog that you read seems to skip out on the parts that really make your heart ache.

it will get better. i love being a mom, but totally got burnt out after having the same routine all the time. and while i don't want to take away anything from the infant months (because they are gone before you know it,) i really have enjoyed the toddler years so much more. being able to have a conversation with your child, making arts and crafts, and just experiencing things through innocent eyes. it does get better. henry will sleep through the night, you will get the rest that you need, and you'll look back at this and laugh.

don't doubt yourself and say that henry deserves better than this, because you're just being real. no one is perfect, or should be expected to be. you're being a mom.

Mrs. A said...

Girl! I know EXACTLY how you feel right now! My husband was in Iraq for the first 5 months of our daughters life so I felt alone ALL OF THE TIME! I finally joined a local MOPS group. Every other Wednesday a bunch of Moms sit around and talk about different topics and the kids play without us and just those 2 simple hours, talking with adults that know how you feel, is AMAZING! Just a thought, good luck girl! It's ok to feel this way, been there!

lauren ♥ said...

allie, i've only been reading your blog for a few months, but i have to say... i think i relate to this post more than any of the others. i know exactly how you feel. i went through the same thing when my son was henry's age. hell, sometimes i still feel like this. but only temporarily.

i was born and raised in slc, utah, and have lived in raleigh, nc for just over 5 years now. i moved out here for my husband, and i knew not one single person besides him. i still have very little friends here, and i am home all day with my son. so i get terribly bored and lonely and i miss my family and friends sooo much. especially my mom.

but it gets easier. we have adjusted to this life (malcolm is 2.5 now), and once baby H gets bigger you and him can explore your new found "home", and meet new people (if only for a few minutes at the park or museum etc), you will feel better about things.

and about the not sleeping thing, have you tried to let him "cry it out"? i know it sounds awful, but it really was the only thing that worked for us. malcolm had the worst sleep habits, and i finally had a breaking point at about 15 months, where i could not take it anymore. i hope that you don't let henry control your sleep situation for that long. if you read back into my blog you can see how frustrated i was: http://malcolmsmom.blogspot.com/2009/05/midnight-monster-party.html

and about how homesick i am: http://malcolmsmom.blogspot.com/2009/10/home.html

so, see. it really does get better.

if you ever want to email me, please don't hesitate. wish we were closer... we could totally hang out! haha <3

rachel said...

So sorry you're feeling this way, Allie. I wish there was something I could do to help. I'd love to meet you for a cup of coffee...maybe a virtual one would work? I voted for you and you're #9!! Does that help? I totally know how you feel about the getting up at night thing, it gets old. It really does. Maybe Henry is ready for a little crying it out? That's hard too though. I let Charlie cry, and usually it SEEMS like it takes much longer than it actually does. Except sometimes I give in, like last night I did feed him at 3:30, because I just didn't want to listen to the crying. Anyway, you're not alone. Love ya!

Mandy said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this... but be assured.. it happens to everyone. We all go through it and you deserve to vent a little. Being a Mother is such a blessing and amazingly rewarding but can also be boring, repetitive and extremely frustrating! It's not always as glamorous as people (that don't have kids) think it is. It's HARD work, and very taxing on our patience as Mothers. Hang in there, I bet it's a phase and it'll pass. You are doing the best you can, and you shouldn't feel like a bad Mom at all! You love your little boy, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel the way you do.
And about your family, I am so sorry that you are so far away from them. Almost all of my Husband's family is out of state and it can be very hard on him sometimes. How long do you have to stay in Georgia? Do you see yourself moving back here when you can?
Just so you know, if you did live in WA here - I have a feeling we'd be good friends, and our boys would be, too. :-) I know how important it is to have good friends. So for now - being blogger friends will have to do!
Keep your head up, Mama!

The Adventures of a Blondie Mommie said...

Oh I SO feel you! I get the same exact bored/tired/depressed feelings too sometimes and I wonder what's wrong with me. I have abeautiful 9-month old, a great husband, and a good job. But sometimes it feels like I'm struggling to make it through the day. What I've found that helps is making sure I take time for one of my "favorites" every day- photography, blogging, reading a great book, a glass of wine, or the occasional trashy tv show (aka Teen Mom). It's the little things that make each day something I look forward to, instead of something I dread. Sometimes just a trip tothe mailbox is what I give myself to look forward to! Just know that we all go through slumps in life, but it won't always be like this. Everything cycles around and it will get better. Thanks for your honesty- it makes me feel better about my own blahness!

Bonnie Heather said...

Just wanted to give my input! I know how you feel. In my opinion, the time from 9-11 or 12 months is THE HARDEST! Once they are crawling and getting into EVERYTHING, you just feel like you are constantly pulling them away from things. Separation anxiety also makes it's appearance around 9 months.

It was the hardest time for Asia between 9 and 11 months, but once she hit 12 months old, it was like a switch went off and things got instantly easier! And they have gradually become better and better. I hear it is this way for a LOT of babies.

There is hope! Don't let yourself feel guilty! The first year is very difficult and both physically and emotionally wearing. I think we can all say you are an amazing mom, you are doing a wonderful job!

(I wish I lived there so we could be mommy pals! Is there any way you and Garrison could get a babysitter for a night and go see a movie or something? It might do wonders for your sanity.)

<3

Renee said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have these feelings periodically and especially a lot more now that we have moved to a new city and I don't have any friends yet. I haven't yet figured out how to crawl out of this mommy hole, the best advice I can give is to force yourself to get out of the house daily. Remind yourself that this is just a phase for both you and Henry. I've noticed for me that getting out and just taking a daily walk helps my mood. Have you looked into any mom groups? I haven't had much luck in that department but I hear they can really help! And most important, take a break! Get out by yourself every now and then, I get out and just drive sometimes and that can make a huge difference.
I hope this helps somewhat! Know that you are not alone, we all feel this way sometimes!!

Mariel Torres said...

I wish i had better advice for a time like this but i can tell you something my mom always says to me when i feel i can't take one more step... "Hang in there doll.. keep your head up so you can see how everything becomes all right". :)

[ker-AND-uh] said...

I don't know where you live, but I did see that you were in WA at some point. That's where I am. But I totally understand how you feel. I used to think that a little positive thinking could get me through everything, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to just escape and run away. Then I feel so guilty bc I "shouldn't feel this way". I think we [and society] puts a lot of pressure on moms. I know, for myself, I feel like I have to be amazing, do everything, and do it with a smile on my face. But I've gotten a few reminders that have helped me a lot: "You don't have to be perfect, just good enough".

When I've lost motivation, I try to reminisce about the sweet babe that gives me smiles and sloppy kisses. I look at his pictures from when he was younger- when things were easier for us. And sometimes I go on autopilot when he's being difficult. That might sound harsh, but that's the only way I can function sometimes when he's screaming. And when all else fails, I take a long long bath and get away for some adult conversation..even if its reading blogs.

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon. I'm always here if you need anyone to vent to!!

-Sarah- said...

Ah.. I feel the same way, but I felt like saying it outloud makes me a bad mom.
my son is 7 1/2 months, and i love him like mad , but i also need a break.

allie said...

see these comments? this encouragement and advice? THIS. this is what i'm talking about. i'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face reading each and every one over and over again. you guys are the greatest. i'm going to reply to each of you individually when things slow down here, until then know that my heart is about exploding with love right now. so much love.

Vanessa said...

I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes I get stuck in a rut just like that. I don't really have any advice, but I can relate.

Mama Mandolin said...

As you know....I feel exactly the same :) I can't give you any advice because I'm trudging through a lot of it, too. But I'm here if you wanna talk mama!

Biscuit said...

I SO feel you. Don't get down on yourself, this happens then you rebound....and then a few months,years later you'll go through another funk. Just know that #1- you're not alone, we all go through it, no matter how sunshiney our blogs may seem.#2- it will get better. Promise. Set some short-term goals, give yourself something to look forward to! Henry will follow suit.

We're all here when you need us.

janeen said...

i've just barely found your blog recently...i'm sorry you are having a hard time... i lived in spain a year ago and even though it was a really cool place, with my husband in school and me alone in a country i had a hard time communicating in, i often got lonely... sometimes all you can do in some situations is relate to strangers on blogs for an outlet... i'm also really into fashion and so i got into the fashion communities online too (i sound so nerdy ;) right now i live away from my immediate family but have a few cousins near by and aunt and uncle and even that is hard for me not having my siblings near by... as far as motherhood goes, i'm in the earlier stages of "babyhood" and i still get tired but i don't have a active baby yet so i don't totally know how you feel though i sympathize... sometimes when i just need alone time i go take a bath with epsom salt during nap time... it helps me relax and calm down if i'm tense...also there are two good sites for moms to meet local moms for play groups/ things in common, cafe mom and meetup... i would recommend checking them both out... hope you feel better :)

AmyLee said...

allie, i don't feel like i can say much more than what has already been said, except for i was having a day like this last week. parker was (still is) fighting a cold, not napping, & just not letting me get out of the house. also, since he's sick he can't go to the gym's daycare which means i don't work out which just adds insult to injury. ok, this isn't about me, the point is that i was where you are at. (oh, & we live be NO family. hate that.)

and then out of nowhere, i found this blog:
http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/
they lost their 18 month old baby girl when she fell in a canal, fought for her life for a week in the hospital, & then she passed away. allie, this girl blogged the whole experience. & she still blogs about moving on without her baby girl. i was BAWLING. (actually i am right now, just thinking about it.) it was just what i needed at that time & i just held parker & cried & was so overcome with gratitude that i get to hold my sick baby & be a mom.

ok, that being said, there are hard days & we do get burnt out. don't feel bad for those feelings, & just hope that tomorrow is better. try to do something you love. maybe you can't do everything today that you want, but you can do something.

wish i could reach through my monitor & give you a big hug!
xoxox, amy.

Paige Baker said...

There is no way I could ever, ever, in a million years, top or even half way measure up to a single one of these comments. You have so much support and love it's unreal.
That said, all I REALLY have to say is how much I love you. I have made lot of friends through blogging but you are without a doubt one of the VERY closest. Someone I would come to with really hard times (as I have been through letters this month) or ACTUALLY go visit or watch Henry for you for a few days while you catch up on the last 9 months of sleep. I wish I could give you a huge teary hug and tell you that it's OKAY to be worn out, tired, depressed, bored, homesick, lonely, or for some reason you just can't figure out--bawling your eyes out. You are SUCH a good mom. You honestly blow me away ALL THE TIME with how great you are and how much you love your baby. If anything--this post makes me MORE impressed by you. You're so incredible Allie. I can't tell you that enough.

Her Momma said...

oh allie. you are a rockstar momma, wife, WOMAN, ya hear. it's just a little funk and i promise, you'll pull through in no time at all. in the meantime, super duper big tight hugs coming your way!

Happiness is Eva said...

I think it is completely normal to feel this way. I have my good days and the days when I struggle to find the energy. The days when you just want a break or to be able to eat a meal before it go cold.

I have had those moments when I didn't/don't feel good enough -- like Eva deserves a better mother.

I just wanted you to know that I've felt the same thing.

- Amber x

melissa said...

im so sorry you are going through this. my baby isnt even here yet and i am having a hard time liking kids (i am a preschool teacher). i am so afraid that when she gets here and if i keep working that i won't enjoy her because i will be so upset/tired/exhausted/sad from my long day with children. life is tiring... i hope it gets better soon!!!

by the way... if i lived where you live, we would SO be friends!

Christine said...

Um, I think I was sending you my exact thoughts today... sometimes i feel like i can't handle one more day among these four walls & if we have another night of difficulty getting through homework I may give myself a frontal lobotomy just so i have an excuse not to participant {too harsh?} well the homework is harsh! But then my two beans do something magical & dazzle me or they just simply kiss me on the cheek with a {love you mommie} to follow & my heart melts like butter, oozes infact!

I just started following along but from what i've read you sound like a wonderfully charming & loving mommie to wee Henry. And oh Henry is the bee's knees, soooo love his name too! I do hope that your day has made an incredible turn around or maybe that Henry just did something magical {hopefully he'll sleep} & has completely melted your heart like butter :) Have a great night girl!

Jess Craig said...

being a mom definitely does suck a lot more than i thought it would. i love being a mom, but it definitely is the hardest thing EVAAAAH. i'm sorry you're having a tough time. letting wyatt cry it out, no matter how long he cried really has done wonders for me (and i don't care how terrible it makes me sound). i refuse to go to him unless he's been crying for longer than a half an hour, which surprisingly he doesn't? it's weird. anyway, he's been getting up about 1-2 times a night crying, but i just ignore him now. i'm getting much better sleep and i feel like i'm not wanting to put him up for adoption anymore. :)

good luck to you - whatever you decide.

Carrie said...

It's such a tease to be so much closer to you than WA but still so far away. Stefin and I were talking about a weekend trip to the beach in November. Maybe we can coordinate a visit.

You're doing a WONDERFUL job. I always marvel at your super positive posts, like, "But what about the not-sleeping? What about the hard stuff?" Thanks for being real and honest and not making it all out to be a storybook. Gotta have the dark to accent the light. I am rooting for you and sending tons of love your way.

WeeMasonMan's Mom said...

Oh, I totally hear you Allie!! This weekend, Grandma had my little man Friday night and the pure ease that I was able to sleep in on Saturday and throw on some clothes and grab breakfast with a friend was so great it made me feel awful to feel that good about something like that.

It's just too easy to get caught up in the monotony of it all and if you let it, it will drown you. We all have days (weeks, whatever) like you're having right now and it's a vicious circle because feeling bad about feelings then makes you feel worse and on and on.

Okay, so I have no real advice and I'm really kind of babbling, so just know that, just like the other 17 commenters have said, you're not alone!!!

happy owl erin said...

ahh hun,
we have all been there. felt exhausted, like failures, wondered how the heck do some moms do it? I too live far away from my family (Alaska me, California them) which makes it hard sometimes, I know. Now that we have two boys and know tantrums, no-sleep, exhaustion and more; here are a few things that I have learned along the way-
1. you're not perfect, or martha stewart and never will be..and that's ok.
2. no one know how much you love him more than your son
3. when you're feeling overwhelmed; walk away for a second and take a few breaths.
4.share how you feel with a family member or friend, even if it's just over the phone. They will all have a worse story for you to cheer you up.
5. and lastly, a glass of wine once in a while cures everything and tomorrow is always a new day!

xo-much love.

Chelsey - The Paper Mama said...

I'm right there with you mama. I did a post of this a way back: http://thepapermama.blogspot.com/2010/10/sometimes-its-hard.html

And, the support out there was amazing. I'm so bored too.

Iris Flavia said...

Hope another "up" is on the way soon! And that you find some other Moms in your area, too...

kriznizzel said...

Oh Allie, I feel for you so much. My family live 2 hours away and I complain about that! I could not even imagine how hard it would be for you. We all have these feeling it's just we don't all have the courage you do to post about them, Just look at the response you have got over this post. Everyone thinks you're a super great chick and I don't doubt for a minuet that you're an amazing mummy. Big hugs

Lil Muse Lily said...

ok, i have been where you are at least 3 good times now. you are a mom, you are not alone on this. any other mom who says she hasn't been there, is a liar.
ok, change your routine. do something different in the morning. or in the afternoon.
also, i'm not trying to tell you how to raise Henry but i think he is old enough to start skipping night feedings and start sleeping through the night.
that does wonders in itself.
let him cry it out. it works. just ask jess craig. she just went though it with Wyatt.
take an afternoon off. leave Henry with your partner and go out and do something for yourself and by yourself for a while.
you not only take care of Henry but you also take care of 2 other little ones.

you should check into a meet-up group in your area.
i joined 2 groups through meetup.com in miami and have met some really great moms with little ones the same age as Lily and it has really saved me.

hang in there!

Christy said...

Oh Allie...I read your blog every day. You are not alone in feeling this way. Being a mom is frickin' hard work. I never quite realized how much I was giving up when I found out I was preggers. It's the most emotionally and physically exhausting job out there. You get no breaks and the routine can drive you nuts. I don't have any great words of advice, but just know that you're not alone. I love my baby more than anything in the whole wide world, but it's tough work!

the grumbles said...

you know, what everyone else said. i think we all feel that way sometimes and you'll get through it. i'm 100% a routine girl but even i need a break now and then. it's not easy, this mom thing, and there's no shame in the truth.

challenging myself has helped a lot, since i am afraid of going out in public (for example) i try to go out to the park with the jude, get out of the house, do something new, even though it is way hard.

being a parent can help forge us into new wonderful women of steel. you are strong and awesome.

Nessa said...

Wow... it is like you reached into my head and pulled out how I have been feeling lately.

I am going to read all your comments and pretend they were for me now.

Know you are not alone.

Faith said...

I know you've already gotten a bunch of comments on this post, but I thought I'd add my voice to say - it's okay that you feel this way I blogged about this just last Monday! Honestly, aside from transitioning from one baby to two you are in one of the most difficult stages of parenting. Later on it will be more mentally challenging and you'll look at your kid and think "what the heck am I supposed to do NOW?" but this is a physically and emotionally exhausting season of life. When my son was that age it felt like he was my full-time job and I was going from disaster to disaster all day long. As I was cleaning up the water he'd spilled, he'd be throwing the clean laundry on the floor or spilling all the dog food.
Eventually it will get easier, he will start to learn his boundaries and learn to follow rules and directions. THIS IS HARD. REALLY HARD. I have four kids now ages 8 to 3 and it gets crazy and stressful but the hardest time was when my first two kids were under three.
I really thought I was going to loose my mind when I first moved here six months ago, I've finally joined a Bible study at church and have been exchanging email addresses and phone numbers and I am starting to feel a little less isolated. I hope to visit the MOPS group here next week with a friend of mine.
So don't worry - you're not a bad mom if you struggle now and then. Hope you are able to find friends in your area soon!

Shannon said...

It's normal for all moms to go through these phases every now and then. Sometimes we just need a little break from everything. Maybe just try to do something different to mix things up a bit and get out of the boredom slump. Even if it's just checking out a new place or going shopping for a new toy.

Emmie Bee said...

Hugs. I only wish you lived closer, mama! <3

May said...

Hi Allie! We're pretty much on the same boat...with a 9 month old active little boy and far away from fam, etc! I also wish that I live closer to my family & friends. My fam live in WA state. We also lived there for 5 years before my husband & I got stationed in Germany. We just got back to the States 5 months ago. It's hard being at a new place as a new mom...you are not alone! I'm thinking of joining the playgroup that the library offered to keep him busy and start looking for other activities that this area has. You can also enroll him in classes like little gym, gymboree, etc if it's available in your area. I wish I could give you more tips, but I'm also trying to figure out this myself.**Hugs**

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