Blighted Ovum (Empty)

Originally written on September 26, 2012

Two months ago I had a (very) positive home pregnancy test. I was tired, I was gaining weight, my breasts got sore, and I was so, so hungry. These feelings continued for two months straight and as time progressed, I got more and more excited about the little life growing inside of me. What if it's a girl?! What if it's twins?! Fuzzy baby sleepers, awwww. Henry is going to be so happy! We'd say, "Henry, you're going to be a big brother! Do you want a brother or a sister?" And then he'd happily tell every stranger, "My momma has a baby in her belly, isn't that awesome?!"

Last night on my way to class, I started bleeding. 

I knew something was wrong but I tried so hard to stay positive. Dr. Google told me I was probably fine; that because my bleeding was brown and spotty with no cramping, everything was going to be okay. Today I went in for my first ultrasound with the highest of hopes. I squeezed Garrison's hand hard and cried hard as the ultrasound technician began to examine me. She smiled the entire time even when this image flashed bright in our faces:

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And I knew. I just knew. There should be something in that dark area. I could feel my heart shattering. The technician held my hand and spoke to me in sympathetic words that I was not even capable of hearing. The rest of the appointment was pretty much a blur full of hugs, shoulder rubs, and sympathetic words. I have never cried so hard. I was shaking and wondering how life could be so unfair and cruel. One morning I'm preparing for a pregnancy and by the afternoon I'm breaking open a box of tampons? I purposely hadn't announced my pregnancy for this very reason but when I made that decision, this moment right now was only a mere glimpse of an impossible nightmare. And now here I am, crying and wondering why and how I ended up here.

The doctor later told me that I had experienced a blighted ovum. According to the American Pregnancy Associated, "A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself". My body was producing HCG and the uterus was growing, but the egg had never formed into a baby! It just took my body a while to realize that there was never a pregnancy. Apparently a blighted ovum is the cause for over 50% of all first trimester miscarriages, which is crazy because until today I had never heard of this phenomenon. 

While this experience has about drained me of every emotion, it's not all bad news. Blighted ovums do not affect your future chances of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. It helps me to know that there was never a developed baby and what started out as a group of cells had some huge abnormality that your body was able to detect. There was nothing we did to cause this and nothing we could have done to stop it. We can start trying for another baby as soon as December. 

And now there's nothing I can do but wait. Wait until my body decides to pass the tissues of the little life that almost was and cry out of frustration and a broken heart. I have an appointment next week, where they will perform another ultrasound and then talk about the option of a D&C (a procedure where surgeons open the cervix and remove the tissue). I guess I'll know more later. Until then, I just want to sleep and snuggle Henry until he can't stand it. Never ever have I been so thankful for the amazing boy that we have already been blessed with. When something in a pregnancy goes wrong, you really realize how lucky you are to have a healthy, happy child. 

Hours after the appointment and this all feels so unreal. My worst nightmare came true today and I just can't wrap my head around it all. I'm thankful for Garrison who was strong during the appointment, when I couldn't be. I'm thankful for my sister who is here to help me physically and emotionally. I'm thankful for Henry's bright smile and his carefree nature. I'm thankful for family and the support of my friends. Without all of this, I don't know how I could function right now. 

My Love.

We've had the most horrible two days over here, but this boy keeps me happy and makes everything okay.

A Day on the Town

9-1-1

We've been working with Henry concerning "9-1-1" lately. Not going crazy with it or anything but making sure that he knows that those three numbers equal help from a firetruck or ambulance. In teaching him, I realized that kids today are in a much more difficult position than we were oh so long ago. Back in the day, when people had to walk barefoot through the snow (uphill both ways) to get to school, 911 was like....no big deal. Need to call someone for help? Pick up your parents large phone plugged into the wall and dial away! And if you were really cool, your parents had one of those clunky plastic phones with really big numbers and flames on the button that automatically dials 911. 

But how many people even have landlines anymore? I know we don't because DUH it's expensive and we've got cell phones so whatev. But what happens if you're home alone with your kid and you get hurt? Should we just count on them being able to find our cell phone (I can't find mine half the time), unlock it, and press the tiny numbers before pressing another button to connect the call?! The whole thought really got me thinking. I did some research, and maybe this is common sense, but I think it's important for moms out there to know:

You don't need to pay for phone service to dial 911 from a landline. It's actually illegal for anyone to be denied a direct connection to help.

Phones are so cheap, you can get them at the thrift store or Target for nothing. We're definitely planning on getting one now, plugging it in, and teaching Henry how to use it because...really, you never know. 

Happy Birthday Aunt Carly!

Hope your 15th birthday was the very best! We miss you and love you so much. Wish you could be here with us! 

Lindsey's Here!

I think I mentioned early that my sister is staying with us? We're having so much fun catching up and hanging out, Henry really loves having family around as much as we do. This is going to be a good fall. 

Lately...

"Shark Week"

Bubble gum smoothies from Bomma

Rides from daddy

Morning masterpiece

Jamz

He's really into "organizing"

Cat shirts for Charlie

Saturday

Last weekend we went to the Farmer's Market! Henry has actually been eating vegetables lately so we decided to capitalize on that while we could. It's finally starting to cool down around here so you can actually be outside without sweating embarrassing amounts through your clothes. I know it's only the first week of September but I'm already so excited for fall to be here. My sister came into town last week and she'll be staying with us for a long time (if she doesn't get sick of us in the next month or so). We're so excited to have her here! 

Play With Me Mom!

Recently, Henry's been asking me to play toys with him all the time. I love pushing his train around and watching him stack a tower of legos, but sometimes I have to get things done. I try not to tell him no when he begs me to play, I know that some day soon he won't want to play toys with his ol' mom anymore. My dilema, however, is that I also want him to be able to play independently. He used to be so good at it! Two year olds don't really understand time, so when I tell him I'll play for "five minutes before I make dinner" he's still crying and yelling for me to come back the minute I go to the kitchen. He doesn't understand why I can't play. 

I'm having a really hard time balancing it all.  Like, I know that he should be able to play by himself but I also feel like I should be there to play with him when he asks. I'm trying to figure out how much time is appropriate for him to play alone and just how to get to that point. Anybody else feeling this too? Any suggestions?